Knowing your stress style (and you may have more than one depending on the situation) is
a first step towards communicating clearly with other adults. Your stress style
tells you that something is troubling you. But before you can tell someone else
what exactly is on your mind, you have to know yourself.
When emotionally overwhelmed by stress people may not be
able to think about anything except the emotional experience they are having
right then—they are unable to assess their experience, do a fact check, or
examine their perspective. The emotional center of the brain (the limbic
system) is clouding their thinking. And without careful thought they may say or
do something they later regret.
At this moment a person can choose to go into a reflective
state of mind. A reflective state of mind is quite the opposite of emotional
immersion. Rather than feeling at the mercy of her emotions and unable to
control them, she is in a reflective state of mind where she takes her feelings
seriously, and thinks about them. They hold important information, that I call
the nugget of gold, a value that has been slighted, perhaps. She is curious and
open to her thoughts and feelings, to finding that nugget. She is not trying to
push the emotional swirl away but is instead paying attention to it in a focused
way to try to figure out what is upsetting her. And her brain helps her in this
process. The reflective state of mind accesses the neocortex -- or executive functioning center -- of the brain. This part of the brain provides a person with the means to gain new knowledge and to find explanations for events that appear a first glance to be inexplicable, confusing, or difficult to understand. It can sift through fierce feelings, identify them, and eventually explain them. The executive function helps a person detach from the immediacy of her emotional turmoil and think more clearly about the situation and her own part in it.
You begin to activate your executive functioning center
through self- reflection. Self-reflection at its best takes place in quiet,
unrushed moments when you are undistracted by the events going on around you.
To wonder about yourself and the emotions you are experiencing helps to create
a reflective state of mind. In this state the first step is to be curious about
yourself the way an explorer might be curious about what’s ahead around the
next bend in the road. You’re in a process of discovery, only this time it is
about you, self discovery. You have questions about yourself that you want
answered. When are you most likely to end up in your stress style, immersed in
your emotions? What do you feel and think then? How are you likely to behave?
What are the emotional habits that get you into trouble or have an unintended
result? And, most importantly, what is at the heart of your upset, that nugget
of gold?
Here is an exercise to help you begin to access the
executive function of your brain:
1. Imagine yourself in a very upsetting situation with a
friend, a colleague, or a partner. Perhaps pick an ongoing conflict that you
can easily bring to mind, something unresolved that always irritates or
frustrates you.
2. Feel the tension enter your body as you dwell on this
situation. Notice the way your emotions flare up. Perhaps certain images
and words appear with the emotions. Let
yourself feel the discomfort of being at the mercy of these powerful feelings.
3. Notice your thoughts, too. What are you thinking? How are
you blaming the other person or yourself?
4. Finally, imagine how you are likely to act from this
state of emotional immersion. What might you do or say that you would later
regret? How might you habitually react to these strong feelings?
5. Now
close your eyes. Imagine that in your head, part of you is watching and
listening to all of this with great curiosity. Perhaps you haven’t been aware
of it until now because you have been caught up in your emotions. But it is
there. To activate this more detached part of yourself, your executive
functioning, use words to name your feelings.
For example, you might be feeling
any of these emotions, or others:
angry frustrated irritated disgusted annoyed
furious discouraged sad impatient scornful
ashamed anxious afraid worried
6. After naming your feelings, identify your thoughts. When
you are in this state of emotional immersion, what are you saying to yourself
about yourself? about the other person? about the situation? Don’t judge yourself for the thoughts you are
thinking; just notice what they are.
7. What do you notice as you use words to understand
yourself better? How is your emotional state changing? What is happening in
your body?
If you are like most people, using words to name your
emotions and identify what you are thinking gives you insight into a troubling
situation. You might notice, for example , that as you think the words and see
the pictures in your head you are becoming calmer. This is because you are no
longer operating in the emotional part of
your brain, the part of the brain that was all stirred up. Now you are
actually using a different part of the brain, the executive functioning center
of the brain. It is this ability to reflect, to reason, to visualize, to
understand, to plan that helps us take charge of our emotions.
And, you may discover your nugget of gold, the value that
has been violated in the interaction with your colleague. If you make this
discovery you will be able to calmly and objectively state it to her without
generating hard feelings.
