Deep Listening to Another

The topic of DEEP LISTENING is so important, I will be featuring it through a series of upcoming blog entries. Today, we begin with an introduction to deep listening and the seven actions for making it happen. 

Deep listening to another person requires that the listener be in a reflective state of mind, curious and alert. It depends on each communicator having the intention to understand. 

 Deep listening to another honors that person’s essential values. The goal is to give open, uninterrupted time to everything that the other person has to say. This type of attentive listening has a name. It’s called being present to the speaker. It’s different from the kind of listening that people use in casual conversations.

A person who deeply listens to another does very little. She may say “um, I see,” or “ahh.” She may validate the person’s emotional state by saying, “You look angry,” or “You seem sad.” To encourage the speaker to say all that is on her mind, she may ask, “Is there more?” She gives no advice, but remains silent and focused on what the other person is saying.

The real work the listener is doing is invisible to the eye. It is the internal work of remaining present to the other person, of putting aside her interior dialogue and her urge to speak in order to take in deeply the meaning of what her colleague is saying.

How to Listen Deeply

            First, you must have the strong intention to be present to the speaker. You are giving your colleague the gift of expressing herself fully to someone who is listening attentively. Through the calm that you generate, you provide the safety that paves the way for the speaker’s honesty. You don't have to agree, or even decide whether or not you agree.  Your aim is understanding.

Deep listening has seven actions:

•  offering an invitation ("Do you want me just to listen?")

•  putting aside your own feelings and thoughts about the topic

•  maintaining alert, attentive body language

•  using very few words and refraining from offering advice

•  asking a question ("Have you said all you wish to say?") expressing gratitude ("Thank you for sharing or, for telling me what you experienced.")

•  providing a transition ("May I speak now?")

For the next few days, read this post over a few times and put any or all of it into action. Upcoming will be a discussion of the seven actions. Stay tuned!

 

The Art of Listening Well

Many of us were never taught how to listen attentively in order to understand someone else’s point of view. 

In order to truly listen to what another person has to say you must set aside your own need to be heard at least for a few moments. Taking in the meaning of what another person is saying requires patience, but it is essential if the communication logjam is to be broken.
 

Listening deeply and well is key to solving problems. Ideally, your colleague will have taken some time for reflection and will also understand how to listen. There are two types of good listening: deep listening and active listening.

 

When people feel safe, they communicate more honestly. The listener can set the speaker at ease, making it comfortable to talk. On the other hand, the listener can create conditions that make the speaker feel nervous or fearful. 

Just for Practice: 3 LISTENING SCENARIOS

Let’s look at three different listening situations. Imagine yourself in the speaker’s position in order to understand how she might be feeling. (You may want to set up a form such as the examples below to keep track of your journaling.)

     1. Imagine yourself in the speaking role with three different types of listeners: 

          •       a good friend

          •       a policeman

          •       an angry colleague. 

 2. Take a moment to imagine each scene. What is it about the other person that helps you talk to them, or conversely, what seems to interfere with the communication?

     3. Once you’ve brought the first scene to mind, reflect on your experience in the situation. 

Column 1: 

Write down what you might feel in that listening situation. 

(Some possible emotions may include anxiety, trust, fear, relief, anger, 

openness, caution, ease, discomfort or pleasure.) 

Column 2: 

Record what you might be thinking.

Column 3: 

Write down what you might actually say out loud to that person. 

How much would you reveal?

     4. When you have finished with the first scene, repeat the process with the other two scenarios. Below is an example of how you might want to set this up:

       Scenario 1: Talking to a good friend about your mother, child, or boyfriend.

What are you feeling?

What are you thinking?

What do you say?

Scenario 2: Talking to a policeman about a speeding ticket.

What are you feeling?

What are you thinking?

What do you say?

         Scenario 3: Talking to an angry colleague about a problem in the classroom.

What are you feeling?

What are you thinking?

What do you say?

REFLECTING 

• After you have experimented with the exercise above, what did you notice?  
• In which scenario were you most able to speak the truth?  
• Did you feel that any of the scenarios could cause you to clam up or feel unwilling to talk?

Many people find that they are most open and honest with a trusted friend, and clam up when they are talking to a policeman who is not interested in listening. Fear and intimidation make a person cautious. There’s also uncertainty in a situation where a person must respond to an angry colleague; knowing that someone is angry makes it harder to speak from a reflective state of mind. It is all too easy to revert to old stress patterns and that may mean saying as little as possible, appeasing, or attacking angrily. 

BAD LISTENING 

Bad listening makes it difficult if not impossible to have a productive conversation. 

As with talking, most people are not that great at listening. Quite often, they are more intent on getting their own points across rather than hearing another person's perspective. When people are upset, or if their core values are at stake, they are often preoccupied with powerful feelings.  

We are all guilty of bad listening at some time or another. Here are some ways that people can be bad listeners:

•        Avoiding the conversation altogether

•        Being easily distracted, for example, by phone calls or an opened office door

•        Using the time while someone else is speaking to marshal your own arguments

•        Giving the appearance of listening while closing down inside

•        Judging the other person

•        Making comparisons

•        Using body language that shows impatience, frustration or disapproval while someone is speaking to you (such as rolling the eyes, looking around and not at the speaker)

•        Avoiding eye contact, although in some cultures avoiding eye contact may be a sign of respect

•        Interrupting.

Do any of these sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. When trying to communicate without practicing good listening, the speaker may sense that the other person is not paying attention. Rather than solving problems, an ineffectual attempt to communicate leaves each party with a sense of disconnection. At times a conversation may even escalate into a fight.

GOOD LISTENING

Good listening does the opposite; it strengthens connections and brings people closer together.   

When someone can sit calmly and attentively, taking seriously what the other person is saying without interruption and with an attitude of respect  she is on her way to addressing the problem. It’s quite an accomplishment when she is able to stay in her seat, listening attentively when everything inside is pushing her to jump in with her own opinion. The listener who is truly able to listen has tamed internal urges that sabotage communication.

The essence of good listening is attention. The person who is listening is paying attention to the one who is talking. Her body language is relaxed and indicates interest. She looks at her speaker with a culturally appropriate gaze. The listener is able to put her own feelings and thoughts aside as she takes in what the other person is saying. She concentrates on understanding how the other person sees the situation. In her own mind, she may agree or disagree and may even be having a strong emotional reaction to how the other person describes the situation. As she listens, however, the good listener is able to notice her own disagreements and her own feelings without allowing them to interfere with her listening, remaining open and curious about the other person’s opinions. 

The art of listening well requires reflection in the same way that talking does. It’s hard to stay calm and detached, and difficult to set aside one's feelings even for the short time it takes to listen to someone else. People who give themselves the opportunity to reflect on what may have happened, and who have found their own nugget of truth, are more likely to listen well.

Listening is the essential ingredient 

to starting a conversation and 

keeping it going well.