Reflecting on Unsafe and Safe Talk

After you have spent time reflecting to achieve clarity -- using the INWARD SEARCHING JOURNAL discussed in a previous blog -- there is still work to be done before you speak.

Reflective communication takes careful thought.

It is not enough to know what you want to say.

How you say it is just as important.

In fact, maybe how you say something is even more important: how you come across in a conversation determines how your words will be taken. You often don't think about the impact of your words. It's just how you talk. 

Frequently, without meaning to, you turn people off by how you speak. You use words and behavior that push others away when what you really want is just to be heard. You can be left wondering what went wrong. You might even think the other person is being rude, uncaring, or stubborn for not hearing you out, not realizing that your words and the way you speak them are the problem.

 

  Words can hurt.

Reflecting on Unsafe Talk

As you grow up, you learn that you have strong, powerful emotions and that these emotions, when provoked, can come bursting out of you with behavior and words to match, especially when you’re angry. This is unsafe talk because it is hostile. And, you have to admit that when you’re angry it can feel good to put someone down with powerful words, and body language or a tone of voice that is withering. There is a certain attraction to sounding off, especially when you think someone deserves it.

       Here are some examples of unsafe talk.

• Blaming and Accusing: Blaming finds fault with another person. It is often an unfair way to excuse your own behavior:  IT’S YOUR FAULT THAT THE DAY GOT OFF TO A BAD START! These words are usually stated loudly and accusingly. 
• Name-Calling: Name-calling uses a belittling noun or adjective to describe someone or her behavior.   YOU’RE A WIMP WHEN IT COMES TO DISCIPLINING JARED! These words are usually stated with a tone of disrespect. 
• Threats: A threat is a statement that generates fear by proclaiming an intention to cause harm if the person does not comply. LOOK, JENNY, IF YOU DON’T SHAPE UP I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO THE DIRECTOR. These words are stated with an attitude of intimidation. 
• Commands: A command orders someone to do something. It leaves no room for discussion.  GO OUTSIDE, NOW!  These words can be deafening. 
• Comparing: A comparison implies that one person isn’t as good or as competent as another.  MARY IS SO MUCH CALMER THAN YOU.  These words are usually spoken with unflattering insinuation.

Reflecting on Safe Talk
If you want someone to listen to you, you’ll have to manage your emotional words and behavior. 
You’ll have to use safe talk. 

Safe talk  is language that brings

clarity without hurting feelings.

·        Make an I-statement: I’m upset because the gate was left unlatched.

·        State the facts: The gate was left unlatched.

·        Acknowledge impact: When the gate is left unlatched a child might wander off.

·        Ask a question: Who left the gate unlatched?

·        Make a request: Before you come inside would you please check to make sure the gate is latched?

·        Offer a solution: I think we should each take responsibility for making sure the gate is latched.

    When you compare how you feel after hearing these statements with the way you felt using unsafe talk above you are likely to notice a difference. Why is that? When you use neutral, non-attacking safe talk you are not pushing the other person away. You are not making her afraid or angry. Instead you are inviting her to stay engaged in the conversation.

Let’s put our safe talk to work in the following scenario:

Nancy has arrived at school only to find that her assistant, Julia, is nowhere to be found. She frantically starts to prepare for the school day, worried that she may not have the help she needs. Suddenly, Julia appears, almost a half hour late. She smiles and gives Nancy a cheerful hello as though nothing is wrong.

What is Nancy feeling?

What is she thinking?

In this state of upset, what would she like to say to Julia?

Instead, what can she say to bring clarity without hurting feelings.

   Nancy realized that scolding Julia would only create more tension. She needed Julia to stay focused in order to have her assistance in the classroom. So she decided to address the issue of tardiness with an I-statement, a request and a solution.  
   But she was so upset that she feared her angry body language would send a message she didn’t intend. She went into the kitchen for a moment to calm herself. Then she approached Julia and said:
  “Hi, Julia. When you’re late I worry that we won’t complete set-up before the children arrive. Would you please be on time from now on? It’s both of our responsibilities to prepare the environment.”

   Julia quickly apologized for being late and readily agreed to be on time from now on.  Her willingness to agree came about because Nancy had held her temper and spoken in a neutral, non-threatening tone.

Next time we will discuss listening, an equally important aspect of safe talk.