Listening Deeply -- The Lesson Continues . . .

In December, I offered an introduction to "Deep Listening to Another" 
and promised to continue this important theme for the next few blog entries. 
Today, you will learn how to create the optimum environment 
for practicing deep listening with another. Enjoy!

Listening Deeply

          Deep listening starts with an invitation. The listener asks, “Do you want me just to listen?” This formality is important because it establishes that the speaker may proceed without being interrupted until she has completely expressed her thoughts. It reminds both communicators that the listener will not speak, despite feeling an urgent need to contribute her thoughts. She will remain silent, even if the speaker pauses to collect her thoughts. The invitation marks a time for the speaker to say whatever is on her mind.      

     

            Putting Aside Your Own Feelings and Thoughts

When you prepare to listen you must put aside distracting thoughts and focus your full attention on the speaker. This does not mean that you are in agreement with what is being said. In fact, you may totally disagree, but your job as a  listener is to appreciate the viewpoint being expressed as well as the individual expressing it. By taking the time to listen deeply you show respect toward the speaker’s experience, even when it differs from your own experience. You are affirming the speaker’s right to have her own opinion; these actions reflect your respect for the importance to the speaker's thoughts.

                Maintaining Alert, Attentive Body Language

Deep listening demands attentive body language: culturally appropriate eye contact, alertness, and curiosity. What this means specifically depends on each communication's circumstances. The body language that indicates respectful listening and attention varies with culture, class, personality, individual and family backgrounds. If you are doing your best to pay attention to the speaker, your body will show your genuine interest. When you are really listening, your body language invites the speaker to express his/her opinions and feelings.

            Using Few Words; No Advice

When you practice deep listening to another, you say very little,  maybe a simple “um” or “ahh” to indicate that you have heard, or that you understand. You may also name the feelings you recognize: “You look sad.” Or, “You sound angry,” which the speaker may correct if you have misread him/her. You give no advice. It hasn’t been asked for. Your intent is to create the space for speaking. You don’t express your own opinion, talk about your experience, or voice your own feelings. You are simply listening with an open mind and with as little interference as possible.

            Asking a Question: Have You Said All You Wish to Say?

            The listener may notice that the speaker is concluding her remarks. If this seems to be the case, the listener may ask if the speaker has said all she wants to say. This formality is a courtesy offering the speaker a chance to decide. It's a way to check in with one another and to encourage the speaker to check in with herself. She may end, she may continue. If she has more to say, then the listener will ask this question again: "Have you said everything? Is there any more?" When you ask these questions, you are giving permission to the speaker to bring out all the ideas and feelings she may have been experiencing.

            Expressing Gratitude

Once your colleague is done speaking, you might say something like, “Thank you for telling me how you feel,” as a way to end this listening segment. This vital step in the listening cycle must be genuinely expressed. If you are listening deeply to another person, you often do feel grateful that they have been willing to share their perspective and experience. You may find yourself spontaneously thanking her for your new understanding and the vulnerability on her part that made it possible. Even if the speaker has said something that offends you, you can still appreciate her honesty when she has spoken it with respect.

            Providing a Transition: May I Speak Now?

            Once the speaker has concluded, it is the listener’s turn to talk, to become the speaker. She now has the opportunity to say what’s on her mind without interruption. To make sure the speaker understands, it is a good idea to make this transition through a request. It may be that the speaker needs to take a break before she is prepared to listen. The listener may also wish to reflect upon what the speaker has said before she herself speaks. In this case she may request to speak at a future time or date.

  Deep listening to another 

takes practice.

           

           Deep listening to another takes practice. It requires restraint to be still and not interrupt. When another person is expressing the fullness of her thoughts and feelings, your own thoughts and feelings can easily be aroused. When something dear is at stake, it’s natural that you would want to speak up and would find it difficult to hold back. Yet, when you listen deeply to another, the need to defend yourself loses its urgency.  To get to this place you must practice. Regular practice will help you develop the calm that allows you to remain present to the listener as you listen deeply to what she is saying.

In the next blog entry, we'll explore "Active Listening," 
a tool for getting to the heart and mind of a conversation, 
clearing out misunderstandings, 
and progressing toward a common goal.