Learn About Your Stress Style

How we cope with stress           

In our families

When we were little children, and we all were at one point, we had to stay close to adults in order to survive. We depended upon them to protect us; to provide us with a secure base, from which to explore when all was safe and to which to retreat when danger approached. In our classrooms we watch our children do this all the time. But, it’s complicated. 

Parent/child relationships are knotted. Sometimes the ones who are supposed to protect us get angry and are frightening, or they ignore us, withdraw, or are indifferent to our distress. In this manner they become a threat to our safety because they are failing to protect us as they should. And, yet, we must stay close to them in order to survive, even though they seem to be dangerous. This puts us in quite a bind. 

          A father was taking care of his 14 month old son on a Sunday morning, 

          reading the paper, not paying attention. He looked up to see his son 

          crawl toward the fireplace where a fire had been lit. 

          Alarmed for his son’s safety, he yelled in a loud voice “Stop!” 

          His son burst into tears from the shock of his father’s frightening voice.

           In the next moment, still crying, he opened his arms to be soothed, 

          seeking comfort from the very one who a moment earlier had threatened him. 
                                                                                                                        (Daniel Stern)

 

Children are clever. 

They solve this conundrum in several ways. 

 

Sometimes they play quietly so as not to disturb an angry parent. On the outside they look 
 calm, but inside their hearts are pounding.

They may sneak into another room, listening carefully and paying close attention to where the parent is and what the parent is doing.

They could get angry back, escalating a fight with the parent so s/he’ll pay attention. Yes, it may make the parent more angry, but at least they are engaged.

Or, they could be especially charming, or obedient, trying to get on the parent’s good side so s/he’ll stay calm.We know that children do this thanks to the seminal work of Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main in early attachment studies. These are the ways that young children cope with stress in their relationships. And, usually they work! We carry these coping styles into our adulthood. When relationships get tense, when we sense that something is not quite right,we revert to these early childhood styles, which I now call stress styles.