Stress Styles, Children and You!

Children deal with stress in clever ways. When the parents who are supposed to protect them get angry, ignore them, are indifferent, or anxious they revert to certain strategies to stay close to them even though they appear dangerous.

Sometimes they play quietly so as not to disturb an angry parent. On the outside they look calm, but inside their hearts are pounding with fear.

They may sneak into another room, listening carefully and paying close attention to where the parent is and what the parent is doing.

They could get angry back, escalating a fight with the parent so that mom or dad will pay attention. Yes, the child may even make the parent more angry, but at least she gets that parent engaged.

Or, they could be especially charming, or obedient, trying to get on the parent’s good side so she’ll stay calm and protect her as he should.

We carry these coping styles into our adulthood.  
When relationships get tense, when we sense that something is not quite right, we revert back to these early childhood styles, which I now call stress styles.

What is a stress style? It is an unthinking fear response to distress that we learned in childhood that is triggered by tension filled moments in the present.
 
Let’s see if you recognize them.
Attacker When a stressful situation occurs, the Attacker is not hard to miss. The Attacker’s behavior is provocative -- often loud and blaming. This person will often interrupt an ongoing conversation and display anger, sarcasm, resentment and vengeful feelings. An Attacker might commonly say, “What’s wrong with you?,“ or “It’s all your fault!” It’s hard to believe that underneath all that bluster and bravado is fear.

Avoider The Avoider is often invisible during times of tension: she has fled the scene, either physically or emotionally. The Avoider’s preference for retreat leads to behaving in a non-confrontational manner during conflicts. As tension mounts, the Avoider -- who is growing increasingly anxious--will find an excuse to go to the kitchen to make coffee, or to the office to find a book -- anything to get out of the room. Fear has driven the flight response. An Avoider might commonly say, “I think I hear one of the kids waking up,” or use any possible excuse to move away from a situation where tensions are heating up.

Placater As nurturers many women are natural Placaters. When tension mounts, their fear will motivate them toward trying to keep the peace and calm everyone down; they want to make it all better. Their behavior is agreeable, pleasant, and non-confrontational. They may consent to do something they don’t want to do so others will be happy; as nurturers they think that their role is to please. A Placater might commonly ask, “How can I help out?,” or say “Let’s not start a fight.” Placaters usually get lots of positive strokes for their good deeds but one result of playing the role of Placater can lead to feeling used, at which point the Placater may turn into the Attacker, often stunning everyone with an unexpected outburst.

Complainer The Complainer lets off steam by being relentlessly critical of everyone and everything, often in the name of trying “to make things better.” However, even when a change is made, the complaints keep coming. In the guise of being helpful, a Complainer might ask innocently, “Wouldn’t it be better if we did . . .,” or say “That’s just not good enough.” The Complainer is never satisfied. It might be hard to believe that all that nit-picking is a response to the anxiety the complainer is feeling from the stress she is experiencing. However, it is not so unusual, when you think about it, that striving to make things perfect is one way of controlling fear.

Stalemater As you might expect, the Stalemater doesn’t do much. This individual expresses distress by refusing to be helpful. The Stalemater’s general mode of operation is to be nonchalant, indifferent, or unyielding. The Stalemater often exhibits an attitude of superiority, of being “above it all,” and might be heard to say: “I don’t see a problem,” or ask, “Why are you bothering me with this?”

Helpless One The Helpless One’s fear is immediately visible. This person does not hesitate to let others know that she is scared and unable to do the job. She needs to be rescued and often gratefully accepts overtures of assistance, usually from a Placater, who steps in to do her work in order to calm her down. A Helpless One might commonly say, “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” or “I can’t do anything right.”

You may wonder why these types of behavior that we developed in our early childhood still have a hold on us today. The reason is that they have a favored place in our brain stem where the flight or fight response is ready to jump to our defense. They worked very well back then so we automatically access them, even though we’ve outgrown them; even though they no longer work today. They hold a powerful sway, but we can take charge of them. My next blog will show you how.


Building Blocks for Reflective Communication: A Guide for Early Care and Education Professionals, by Grace Manning-Orenstein, Ph.D., is available from She Writes Press (www.shewritespress.com) or by contacting the author via snail-mail: 1563 Solano Ave., #546, Berkeley, CA 94707.