Unspoken Rules of the Work Place

How the Unspoken Rules of the Workplace
Can Get Us into Trouble

Though we can keep our cool when we are calm and in control, in situations of high stress when we feel as though we’re hanging on by our finger nails we become irritable, we are less productive, we sometimes have memory loss, we tend to withdraw from our colleagues; we can even get sick. To exacerbate the situation still further, this state of bad stress is fraught with anxiety.  

Over time, without even thinking about it, we develop 

our own unspoken rules for managing stress. 

These rules are not written down for all to see, but operate at an unconscious level to keep the work place functional. We turn to them without thinking in order to govern our behavior and to control our inward panic and discomfort. And, to avoid conflict. We’re hardly aware of them until we take a moment to look carefully.           

Here are three rules that may be operating in your care giving environment, and how to deal with them. See if they ring true for you.

Rule No. 1:  “I won’t call you on your gossiping and complaining if you don’t call me on mine.”  Example: Sally is going on and on about how unfair the administrator is because she wouldn’t let her make a purchase for the classroom. She thinks the administrator is cutting corners because she’s miserly. You listen to her and offer sympathy, even though you are bothered by what she says and don’t agree with her.

Realize that when you listen to someone gossip or complain you perpetuate the cycle of gossiping and complaining.

Solution: Take responsibility for your behavior by not listening, but rather telling those who gossip and complain to go straight to the source. Learn to do the same when you find you have a complaint about a co-worker. 

Your first take on this solution might be that it is rude or inconsiderate to refuse to listen. But perpetuating the cycle of gossiping and complaining is worse. As the rumors spread seeds of disrespect and dissatisfaction grow, resentment builds, anger mounts. Better to stop the process at the beginning by refusing to participate. You might say: “Please, if you don’t mind, would you tell Mrs. Smith (the administrator) about this. I really can’t do anything to help you.”

Rule No. 2:  “I’ll tolerate your unprofessional behavior, that is, your poor attitude, your routinely being late to work and your cutting corners, because I understand what you’re going through.” Example: A staff member is repeatedly late because she is a single mom with two children and gets caught in traffic taking them to school. When the Head Teacher hears her story she feels sorry for her. She doesn’t feel she has a right to require that she be on time because of the difficult circumstances this staff member is enduring.

Realize that when you accept unprofessional behavior from your staff you pay the price with feelings of resentment and increased workload.

Solution: Request high standards of professional performance from your staff. Spend time helping your staff solve problems so they can achieve these standards. 

It may seem unfeeling to demand that this hard-pressed member of your staff be on time. You might think, “Oh, it’s just a few minutes. It’s selfish of me to be so upset.” However, not asking for what you want causes your frustration to mount. Stuffing your feelings doesn’t solve anything. Down the road you risk exploding at her in anger, a far worse reaction.  Better to nip her tardiness in the bud right at the beginning. Offering to problem solve with her about her situation is kind. During this process you may both discover that she really can’t fulfill the expectations of her job. In which case, she may have to leave. But you will have given her the time she deserves to make that decision on her own. Or, on the other hand, you may find a way, by putting your heads together, to help her to meet your expectations.

Rule No. 3: “I’m a forgiving person so it would be wrong of me to criticize you for not doing your job.” Example: A staff member is inefficient in cleaning up the classroom. This afternoon she left the painting area in a mess, the third time this week. You tell her not to worry; it’s no problem. We all make mistakes.

Realize that when you fail to hold a staff member accountable for her actions you lower the standards of behavior under your watch and violate your values of professionalism.

Solution: Get behind your own values of professionalism. Request your staff member to do her job as expected of her. Follow through by holding her accountable.

There are some things that shouldn’t be forgiven, and poor job performance is one of them. You are a person of responsibility. The quality of her work is a reflection on you. If you want a classroom that functions smoothly and efficiently you need to step in when necessary to establish the standards. But you can be kind about it: You could say, “Hello, Hilda. This is the third time in a row you’ve left the art area in a mess. I feel frustrated in the morning when I come into a dirty classroom. What can we do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?” Then, follow up by praising her when she does well. Or, by making a change if she doesn’t. 

By becoming conscious of these unspoken rules of the workplace you can deal with them directly. You can be clear and honest with your staff about your  expectations. And, you can be kind, by engaging them in a problem-solving process that supports their success on the job.